I had lunch today with an old friend who told me the story of how his mother avoided potential disaster within the family by her will.  The father died a few years ago, leaving his wife and 4 children.  One of the sons was estranged from the family after a fight that occurred with his sister just after his father’s funeral. His mother was very concerned about this man’s lack of responsibility with money and the poor relations with her and the other family members. She was revising her will and decided to set up a trust fund so this son would receive a monthly cheque, rather than a lump sum after her death. My friend asked his mother to consider the long term consequences of this decision as his brother would feel singled out and treated differently from his siblings. Her first response was to think a trust fund for all four children would avoid that problem, but my friend wisely pointed out this would seem very controlling. Why, he asked, would she want to set up a process to control after her death. Just be generous and let her adult children spend the money as they wished. This last point had an impact on her and she wisely decided to  leave equal amounts of money to each of her children and with no strings attached.  A story with a happy ending!!

I want to wish everybody reading my blog a happy, healthy and fulfilling 2008.  What I also hope is that each of you has a will and that it is up to date. There are so many horror stories of people who for a variety of reasons, die without documenting their wishes. This leaves the family in a horrifying situation.  Here are a few examples I recently heard about:

1. A 90 year old man suddenly went into a coma without a will. Not only was he a lawyer who should have known better, but he had a 19 year old daughter who was left without any financial resources. She has had to quit university and take a job in order to support herself until this mess has been cleared up.

2. A loving father, grandfather and well-respected psychologist, died with a very out-of-date will, 3 children living in different provinces, and a nightmare of American and Canadian investments. It took 2 of the siblings many months to sort out the finances and close all of his accounts in 2 countries. One of the daughter’s in-law told me her husband was unable to go through a grieving process for the father he dearly loved, because of the anger and frustration resulting from spending a year in needless estate administration.

So, please do not let this happen to your family!!

My article ” Ethical Wills: Creating a Loving Legacy” will be published on www.50plus.com in the Lifestyles section. It will appear December 20 - 26 and I’ll insert the link in my blog once I see it on the website.

 We are having a horrendous snowstorm today in Toronto. Reminds me of what winters were like while I was growing up! Hope everybody stays safe and warm!!

In the front page of the Toronto Star, Saturday, December , 8, 2007, a headline reads, ” Family Feuds Over Artist’s Dying Wishes”. The famous aboriginal artist Norval Morisseau did not state where he wanted to be buried, and there is a dispute between his seven surviving children, a brother and a man who became the artist’s ” surrogate son”. The man who considers himself to be Morrisey’s adopted son made arrangements for him to be buried in Toronto, the brother says he was told by the artist that he wanted his ashes spread over Lake Nipigon, and the children want their father to be buried next to their mother in a northern Ontario native reserve. It is unclear whether Morisseau had a will and this sad and painful situation could have been avoided if Morisseau had made arrangements before his death. He had been suffering for many years with Parkinson’s disease and was 75 when he died. Was he not aware of the terrible situation his family would be plunged into by his lack of decision? Was he so overcome with fear of death that any action towards organizing his affairs was paralyzing?

I am reminded of the story told to me by participants who attended one of my talks. The man’s father had died a year earlier with an out of date will so that some of the grandchildren born afterwards, were not included as beneficiaries, an array of investments in many American and Canadian financial institutions, etc. It took this man and his sister, months and months of needless research as they worked their way through mounds of paper, to uncover their father’s assets. Such a horrifying and needless waste of time and the cause of so much frustration and anger by his children.